I Was Learning How to Love You — Too Late

I don't know exactly when I fell in love with you. Maybe it was that night in the hotel when you said "I love you" so quietly. Maybe it was the first time I saw you cry in front of me, and something in my chest hurt in a way I had never felt before.

I have spent a long time trying to work out how to be good to you. I was genuinely afraid of losing you. After the long distance ended, I promised myself I would change the way I treated you.

It took me far too long to understand that the damage I had already done was deeper than I wanted to admit.

I meant it when I said I wanted to change.

We have been apart for thirty-two days. In that time I have gone back over every argument we had, found the roots of them, and looked for real answers. And when I was finally ready to do the work, you were already preparing to walk away.

I am sorry.

I know I have no right to be angry with you now, and no right to ask about your day. My only wish is that you stop hating me. The will to change was never a performance.

The day we met, my head was chaos. Everything I wanted to say stuck in my throat, and all I could do was try to hold on to you. Only afterwards did I realise that I had been ready to change for a long time — I just could not get the words out in time.

When I said "if it weren't for you", it was not spite. What I actually meant was that I was still thinking about you, so I never moved on. It was never that you were not enough.

If you are cold with me now, I understand. I hurt you first. If there were ever another chance, I would not repeat the things that made you exhausted. I remember how you reacted, and I know now how much that wears a relationship down.

I want to learn to take proper care of you. I still remember every time you reached out first. I know how much you loved me, and I know how much I owe you. That is why I am doing this work now.

If you read this, please don't delete it immediately. Don't argue with it straight away. Just sit with it for a moment.

At the end, I had already started changing.

I love you. I can't say how long forever is. Maybe it is a lifetime.